My friends know all too well of the damage done to my body (heart attack in 2013 that left me with a permanent affliction: Pulmonary hypertension, a reduction of pulmonary function that leaves me gasping for breath at times) and to my mind and soul – A long delayed episode of PTSD that I’ll never discuss with anyone but the closest of my Brothers in arms. They are no doubt perplexed by my redoubled efforts to complete my un-f****** of my headspace by re-committing myself to physical and mental fitness…I was coming along well in that effort until I was laid off from my job of ten years last September, then I slacked off during five months of unemployment.
Here’s what it comes down to. I asked myself the question: “Is it more befitting of a man to live in torment and rage, this late in life, or not to live at all? And to recall almost nothing of the circumstances and the Medevac that drove me to the brink in very late 1989, only to fall off it in 2017?”
MY answer, knowing full well that many would answer otherwise, was to seek help and work for the years I have remaining to try to forget. I have a very good start towards becoming the kinder, more gentle man I want to be, and I don’t want to f*** it up. Sure, I’ve lost some friends in the process, but I don’t begrudge them that, they have their own reasons to remain hard, and I respect that.
But I’m a grandfather (“Opa” to my grandsons) twice over. My true Brothers are still right in step with me, offering almost unbelievable help and support in many cases, offers I will never forget. I’ve no need to be a “rough man standing ready on the walls” any longer, and I don’t want my grandchildren to be encouraged to follow that path.
Thus this blog. Thus my story. One day, in the not too distant future, I want to be “The good and kind man”, rather than “The Not-So-Bad Man”. And if writing of my journey simply interests you, or better yet, helps you in some manner, well, it helps ME with the journey, so all the better.
I’m signing off this net for the day – Have a great Saturday night and Sunday. Out here.